Friday, January 05, 2007

War is HELL!

Hey Folks,

Our latest ASS pledge Brian Bone, is still in the UAE hoping to get back in time for Wolf Creek 2007 and just sent this email that is so funny I had to save it here for all time ;-) God Speed Brian!

Esteemed friends and acquaintances,

Greetings from (the vicinity of) Doha. As of right now I'm due back around the 20th but come Monday I can submit paperwork to get out of here earlier, hopefully putting me back in the states around the 15th. Pencil me in and I'll keep the committee appraised.

You'll be happy to know my roommate and I passed our most recent monthly dorm room inspection, though we did get marked down for dust (on top of our 8-foot tall steel lockers. In the f*cking desert, oh and I'm a f*cking CAPTAIN), a very slightly dirty A/C filter (in the f*cking desert), and the presence of trash in our trash can. I am not making this up.

Some of the other little nuggets of joy:
- The entire PERSCO team (the people who move you in and out during rotations) assigned themselves to the first plane out of theater this month, without assigning anyone else except for those to fill that airplane. So, a new team, plus augmentees is being brought in to finish the job. Why did they do this? Because they could.
- You know those big plastic garbage cans with the flip-top lids? They placed those next to all the smoke pits, then made a rule that states that they're not for trash, and anyone caught throwing their room trash in them will be placed on weed & butt detail (not as good as it sounds...that's picking up weeds, trash, and cigarette butts).
- Our dorm rooms are 8x8 with two people in them. A month ago, someone decided they could put 4 people in them during rotations, so we all received another set of bunk beds (which my roommate and I immediately disassembled) and two more mattresses (which doubled our current sleeping surface thickness from four to eight inches). Then they discovered they didn't have enough sheets for all the new beds, so they scrapped the whole idea, but didn't take back the bunk beds or mattresses. Which is a good thing, because I can't find the screws any more.
- Over the summer, a particularly good-looking girl kept wearing a set of pink short-shorts with the word "juicy" on her ass, and a tank top, whenever she was off-duty. Well, naturally, someone was offended, so instead of simply making her wear "appropriate" clothes, ALL personnel must now wear either their duty uniform or their PT gear at all times. Even if only to go from your room to the nearest bathroom at 2am to take a piss. For those not familiar with Air Force PT gear, allow me to digress into a short discussion on the style and sizing of said clothing. I'm pretty much joe average when it comes to clothing sizes. I'm 5'10, 185 lbs, wear 34 waist jeans, and I have a 42 chest. PT gear consists of shorts, a T-shirt, and for cool weather, nylon sweat pants and a zip-up nylon jacket, all with built-in reflective properties. Designing these items must have cost billions, because first they needed to design, build, and test a time machine to travel back to 1984 to find the proper material and kidnap a fashion executive from Esprit. So, for me to wear any combination of the above ensemble with any degree of comfortable fit, I have to purchase the following sizes:
- medium shirt
- XL shorts
- Medium sweat pants
- large jacket.
Now, were I to buy all "large" items, I wouldn't be able to go to the gym or in fact sit down in my shorts without my cocknballs taking the path of least resistance to freedom, but that's okay because even when tucked in my t-shirt would come down to the middle of my thighs. Which is okay, because if I had to I could tuck it into my swetapants, or "Hammer pants," with room to spare. The only thing that would fit normally is the highly reflective, non-waterproof, non-insulated, non-windproof Members Only jacket.

Here is Wonder Woman congratulating me on being selected to Major. No, wait...that's my squadron commander wearing her reflective belt, which is required at night when wearing camoflage. So everyone can see you.

War is hell.

Take care, and hopefully I'll see you guys in Pagosa.


lizrdboy said...

It's funny because it's true!

Morela said...

Well said.